Today I thought about my favorite professor during my years in Russia. Her name was Marina Nikolaevna and I absolutely loved and admired this woman. If I had to define someone as "classy" or a "lady" it would be her. I was always on my best behavior around her because I wanted her to respect me (and also because I was afraid she wouldn't love me if she knew the real me). In the early 90's there was exactly one Pizza Hut restaurant in Moscow. My friends and I ate there a lot because it was a bit of home in a foreign country and also, hello, pizza. I found out that Marina Nikolaevna had never had pizza before and she was probably in her early 70's at this point. That was unacceptable to me. She couldn't leave this world without having eaten pizza so I invited her to Pizza Hut. To get to the restaurant, you had to walk a few blocks from the metro station. Along the way, the sidewalk was crowded with kiosks selling different things. You couldn't help but browse as you walked along because you never knew what you might find for sale. This was still during the time of shortages of certain goods in Russia. For example you might have a hard time finding matches in the grocery stores. However if you were willing to pay a higher price you'd be more likely to find the matches in a kiosk. As Marina Nikolaevna and I walked, we suddenly passed a kiosk selling dildos (I checked the dictionary-- the spelling "dildoes" is also acceptable). They weren't discreetly packaged or anything like that. Nope, they were in their full glory on display behind the glass. All different kinds. I guess the seller wanted you to see EXACTLY what it was that you were buying. Also to make it easier I guess to ask for the one you wanted ("I'll take the realistic veiny one on the left please. No, the 9-inch model, not the 12"). I can't even begin to express how embarrassing that moment was. My professor made some comment like "How terrible. This would have never happened in the Soviet Union." What's funny is that if I had passed this same kiosk with one of my friends, I can only imagine that this would have been one of the best memories ever. We would have been in hysterics. Clever comments would have been made. I would have probably taken photos. But if you're 22 and you're out walking with a serious, reserved woman who is 50 years older than you, who has lived through the horrors of WWII, and you see dildos out on the street, it is not very funny. Take my word for it.
The mention of dildos reminded me of an incident from a couple of months ago. I go on about one business trip a year. This year I was traveling with a co-worker and friend who is like a brother to me. This person is also a premier member of Delta-- he's like at the highest Medallion level. I knew I was going to have to check a bag and but I didn't want to have to wait since sometimes the check-in line for us peons can be pretty long. However, the Medallion members can just walk up with no waiting and check their bags. A few days before our trip, I asked my friend if he would check my bag for me when we got to the airport and he said sure. Then my mind thought of the most evil plan. What if I filled my suitcase with dildos and fixed the zipper somehow so that it was barely held together? I imagined my friend hoisting the suitcase onto the scale and the suitcase bursting open. All these pink (they are pink in my imagination), rubbery dildos would flop out everywhere. I can imagine that there would be a shocked silence on the part of the employees and my friend. I would use that moment to make my escape. I would say something like, "I don't know this pervert" and I would grab my rolly suitcase and leave. Then I imagined the questions that my friend would have to endure. The TSA would probably be called over because a suitcase full of sex toys and nothing else would probably be considered suspicious behavior. "Sir, is this your suitcase"? He couldn't very well say no. "Why do you need all these dildos?" "Um, they're for my own personal use?" I don't even know why I would want to do this to my friend. He's done nothing to deserve such cruelty. I guess it's the risk you take if you befriend me. Then I happened to think that "Suitcase Full of Dildos" may be the best band name ever, especially for an all-girl band. I had this conversation with my friend David (my part in green; I had mentioned a clever insult to him) :
The mention of dildos reminded me of an incident from a couple of months ago. I go on about one business trip a year. This year I was traveling with a co-worker and friend who is like a brother to me. This person is also a premier member of Delta-- he's like at the highest Medallion level. I knew I was going to have to check a bag and but I didn't want to have to wait since sometimes the check-in line for us peons can be pretty long. However, the Medallion members can just walk up with no waiting and check their bags. A few days before our trip, I asked my friend if he would check my bag for me when we got to the airport and he said sure. Then my mind thought of the most evil plan. What if I filled my suitcase with dildos and fixed the zipper somehow so that it was barely held together? I imagined my friend hoisting the suitcase onto the scale and the suitcase bursting open. All these pink (they are pink in my imagination), rubbery dildos would flop out everywhere. I can imagine that there would be a shocked silence on the part of the employees and my friend. I would use that moment to make my escape. I would say something like, "I don't know this pervert" and I would grab my rolly suitcase and leave. Then I imagined the questions that my friend would have to endure. The TSA would probably be called over because a suitcase full of sex toys and nothing else would probably be considered suspicious behavior. "Sir, is this your suitcase"? He couldn't very well say no. "Why do you need all these dildos?" "Um, they're for my own personal use?" I don't even know why I would want to do this to my friend. He's done nothing to deserve such cruelty. I guess it's the risk you take if you befriend me. Then I happened to think that "Suitcase Full of Dildos" may be the best band name ever, especially for an all-girl band. I had this conversation with my friend David (my part in green; I had mentioned a clever insult to him) :
I forgot to check the correct spelling of dildos/dildoes until right before writing this post. I checked the Merriam-Webster dictionary online and it says the first known use of that word was 1598. I thought that was interesting. See-- coming to my website isn't just entertaining, it's also educational. It's because I care about you. Also, you'll never again put your suitcase on the scale at the airport without thinking of dildos. For that I apologize..