I want to mention that Alanna and I were both concerned about the number of searches that involve, um, there's no way to say this politely, "anal insertions". I mean, A LOT. I think a quarter of my queries involved something up someone's ass. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know why these people are finding my blog. It's not something I discuss. I'm not a doctor and I'm trying not to pass judgement on what people do with their bodies, but damn. I can't help but have this reaction:
1. oh my god he’s naked blog
This is one of my top search terms which makes me wonder if this is the name of an actual blog. I like the fact that the name rhymes. They must be disappointed to end up at my website of nonsense when they were expecting a naked man.
I just checked and apparently, this is a real thing. http://www.omgblog.com/
2. chuck e cheese wedding
Too poor to afford a Walt Disney World Wedding? Still want to be joined in holy matrimony while surrounded by screaming children in a bright, colorful place with shitty catered food? Then a Chuck E. Cheese wedding is for you! Each guest receives 10 free tokens and unlimited soft drinks! Face painting available for an additional fee.
Badass. I’d totally have my wedding there!! Now I have some ideas…
3. up your ass dear
Any insult is nice if you add the word “dear” at the end. No one looks forward to getting old but on the plus side, the elderly can get away with saying phrases like this.
Uhmm… up yours, darling.
4. ill pay you to get naked
Do people doing Google searches perhaps think that there is a live human being on the opposite side of the screen? One that will take you up on your offer of love for sale?
How much?
5. how to make fake handcuffs real
Oh my God, do you know how much time and money that would cost? Just buy some real goddamn handcuffs and be done with it. I just did a quick Google search and you can buy them for as little as $20. What is wrong with you?
Why on earth would you want to do this?
6. the art of silent pooping
I don’t know if “art” is the correct term you want to use here. Perhaps “skill”? And yet you still managed to come to my website using this phrase. I feel like I should be vaguely insulted.
Bahaha. I’m about to look this up myself. It is indeed an art.
7. saggy lady games
If I ever decide to start my own board game empire I’m totally stealing this name. The older I get, the more appropriate it will be.
All I can picture is old people Olympics.
8. dude lets jack off
Hello—by chance are you the same person in query number four? You do know that you’re all alone on the internet, right? If you want to “jack off” you can just do it. If you’re actively looking for a partner, may I suggest a service like “Grindr” not Google.
Dude, let’s not. (I hope this is just a meme or something.)
9. karma sutra for the elderly
I assume the searcher meant “Kama Sutra” not “Karma”. If there really is a book of sex positions for the elderly, I would love to see it. I imagine it involves all sorts of aids like inflatable hemorrhoid cushions and elbow and shin guards. And industrial sized vats of lubricants.
Hell yeah, old people!! GET IT ONNNN!!!
10. one whore plus one more equals 2 chicks and 1 dick
I can’t decide if this the best word math problem in the world or the worst. Math was always my worst subject. I might have been a better student with questions like this.
I’m not a mathematician but I don’t think that’s right…
11. porn o plenty
I wish I knew if this was a typo and the person was looking up “Horn O’ Plenty” which brings up nice images of a cornucopia filled with vegetables. “Porn O’ Plenty” brings up a completely different visual image for me.
Lol, this is probably an actual store.
12. look what’s up my ass
Um, no, not falling for that old line. That’s as bad as “Pull my finger”. I’m on to you! And quit putting things up there. No one wants to see that! Trust me on this.
No thank you.
13. big butt boat trip
Oh man, where do I even start with this one? With a Kim Kardashian joke? That’s too easy. I love the alliteration of this phrase though. It has a nice ring to it.
Don’t they call that a “cruise”? Amiright? *fishes for high-fives*
14. how to make dildos
Seriously, this whole “arts and crafts” thing has gone too far. Are there pages of pages on Pinterest with homemade dildo “how to’s”? Quit trying to save money people! Go out and buy your sex toys like the rest of the world. Or else just buy a cucumber you oversexed hippie. Which reminds me-- when I was in college, a friend found a cucumber by her Mom’s bed. This is the absolute truth. After that I never ate a salad in that house again.
This is how people end up in the emergency room. Those x-ray pictures of stuff inside butts are no joke. My mom works in endoscopy and sees them all the time.
15. shitty shitty bang bang
This is the Disney remake for underprivileged children who live in the bad part of town. Full disclosure—I would totally watch this movie.
…I don’t even know.
16. Chuck e cheese toy looks like dildo
I hate going to Chuck E Cheese but if they have phallic-shaped toys in the ticket redemption area I am totally there.
Some of these people need to get together. They obviously have similar interests.
17. i'm just trying to ride to work. you can waste your time trying to race me if you want, but the fact that you're pathetically slow isn't my fault and isn't my problem. i was honestly hoping that this stupid little shit would try something so i would have an excuse to make him eat his own teeth. lucky for him he was too much of a coward and just settled for glaring at me until he figured out that i wasn't going to look away, and then averting his eyes, like a subservient dog.
So let's remember that this is an entire search query that someone typed into Google. What in the hell are they looking for? Who are they talking to? But you know what? I'd like to know the rest of the story. Well done random internet searcher.
Damn… so angry. I get the sentiment but maybe you should be looking at the road instead of some random driver?